Why does it feel so wrong for me to care about myself?

It is so incredibly hard for me to do something that I believe is in my best interest, when it means I could potentially hurt someone else. If you can relate to that, then this post is for you! Now, I don’t mean hurt someone else in a physical, they will be in danger type of way. I just mean maybe their feelings will be hurt, or even worse (for me) they might become mad at me. I continuously ask myself why is this such a big deal? Why does making people mad or hurting someone’s feelings, actually in turn, hurt me? I know the answer, and I will spare you the nitty gritty of my childhood trauma because what it boils down to is me living my life in a way that pleases other people, and putting others before myself for, basically, my entire life. Throughout my healing journey, one of the things I have tried to focus on the most has been doing things to make myself happy. In an effort to love myself, I have tried really hard to put myself first and do what I think is best for me. It has not been easy though, and I struggle with doing something that I want to do when another person isn’t entirely happy about it. It makes me feel so terrible to see another person even the slightest bit disappointed or dissatisfied by something I did or said. They might even tell me everything is fine and there is no problem, but I can feel the energy shift and then the guilt rises within me and slowly takes over. It is extremely frustrating. To know intellectually, that I am allowed to make decisions for myself, and that I deserve to be happy. I can tell myself all the right things in my mind to reassure this point. But my body automatically reacts a certain way. It feels uncontrollable and I feel like a bad person for loving myself.

 Why? Why does this happen when I have put so much time and effort into healing? Why am I still like this? What is wrong with me? The answer of course is nothing. I think it would be close to impossible to grow up in a society that conditions us to believe we are not the most important thing in our own lives, and then try to exist as an adult who wants to put themselves first. Always being told this is selfish and made to believe that you’re only as good as other people think you are. Recognition and approval from outside of yourself is the only way we feel valued. Validation from the number of likes we have on social media determines whether or not we are good enough. To be honest, it’s all a bunch of bullshit and there are so many layers of bullshit that take us away from focusing on ourselves. This relinquishes us of our power and gives it away to someone or something else. I am at a point in my life where I have decided to stop giving my power away. I have called it back, and I am keeping it. I determine my worth, what I think of myself is truly the only opinion that matters, and yet I still end up feeling bad.

I found myself going through all of these thoughts while ugly crying on the way home from picking up a grocery order one Tuesday afternoon. I listened to myself as I spoke out loud to no one. Reminding myself that I had spent 25 years trying to make other people happy and getting to a point where no matter what I did or how hard I tried, it was never enough. All it brought me was misery and a desire to take my own life, because by focusing on making other people happy I forgot to make myself happy. Then the years of therapy kicked in and I realized that after spending 25 years living my life a certain way, and about six years of living my life in a different way it would make sense why it is still hard for me. Just as I tell my clients during a massage, when they have a knot in their neck or shoulder from sitting at a desk for 20 years. It might not go away in one session. We might have to work on it a couple of times to get it out, and the more targeted pressure I use in that specific area might cause pain, but it also might cause the knot to release quicker. Healing emotionally is similar, in that you have to continue to work on something. It might be painful and uncomfortable, but the more work you put in, the more results you will see and feel.

Additionally, healing is not linear. There are ebbs and flows, ups and downs. Like the tide coming in or pulling back out to sea. All the while, the waves are continuously crashing on the beach. When you embark on a healing journey you start to recognize the work that you can choose to do. Just because you recognize a pattern, that doesn’t mean it will immediately disappear from your life. The same lesson might get repeated in different ways over and over until you finally put your foot down and say enough is enough. And then it might still come up one more time just to test you, like are you sure it’s enough? Until you can confidently say yes I am sure. The frustration of repeating patterns in the universe will keep coming for you no matter where you try to hide. Healing something that no longer serves you is like a spiral, constantly moving forward. The same lesson might come up but if you are actively trying to heal whatever it is, you will face the challenge in a different way, you might have a different reaction, or different feelings in certain situations. Something that was once extremely triggering, might only be slightly annoying now. I have recognized the pattern of people pleasing in my life for a long time, and I have worked hard to heal this pattern, but it is still coming up for me.

I think I am getting close to a place where I am ready to say enough is enough. I would love to already be there, but as I am writing this I am not 100% sure and that is okay. I definitely know how to put myself first, and do things that make me happy. But not feeling bad about it is still a challenge. I like to think its just who I am. A sensitive soul who cares an incredible amount about other people, especially the important people in my life. I also know that certain events in my life have created this mindset within me. I would like to be able to find a balance between doing what I think is best for me, while continuing to care about other people, but not feeling bad when I make a decision that serves my highest good.  Another thing about me is that I value fairness, a lot. When something is unfair, it bothers me. I have learned to stand up for myself and speak up for myself when something is unfair. Again, this is difficult and my mind goes through a million thoughts and needs reassurance to feel safe in making choices that I feel are fair even if someone else might disagree. It is going to take more time to grow my confidence and get to a place where I can stop doubting myself when I know something is unfair. But I am committed to this journey, and I will not give up until I get to where I want to be because I deserve that. I deserve to love myself enough to keep going. To keep trying, and not let society or other people opinions get in the            way of doing what is best for me. For simply doing what I think is fair. Not intentionally hurting other people, but also remembering that I am not responsible for other peoples emotions. I am responsible for myself, and my own emotions. I can control myself and my actions, but I can not control how other people react or how other people feel. Remembering these things helps me to stay grounded and focused on what I want. I feel like sharing these thoughts might help people who are struggling to do the same. I think the most important thing to remember when struggling with this is, the only person who will always be in your life, is you. So why not be the most important person in your own life? Why not choose you? You deserve to be loved by you. You deserve to be your own source of unconditional happiness. Things outside of ourselves will always change, but at the end of the day we will always have ourselves. The task is simple. Remember your power, show yourself love, and never give up on whatever makes you happy.